You survived potty training and the terrible twos; you’ve reclaimed your bed, and your child is now somewhat self-sufficient. Life ought to be smooth sailing from here on, right? Perhaps. That is if you don’t take into account the elementary school-age battles that lie just ahead. But don’t sweat it. The following tips will help you ride out this adventuresome yet trying stage.
Tattletales. Does your child tattle every time they are playing with a sibling or playmate? Kids tattle for many reasons. Sometimes they don’t understand the difference between tattling and telling about something important. Other times, kids are looking to get another into trouble.
So explain the difference between tattling and telling. Tattling usually happens over something relatively harmless and kids can often solve the issue without an adult. Telling, on the other hand, is when another child does something that could cause harm or isn’t safe. These issues require an adult to get involved. Make a rule that you don’t want to hear any tattling, but that telling is okay and even necessary. If they are still struggling with the concept, ask them to ask themselves, “Are they getting someone in trouble or getting someone out of trouble?” If they are just trying to get someone in trouble, they may want to see if they can solve the problem first themselves.
Lying. Every child tells a lie at some point or another. Even most adults are guilty of occasional white lies. Still, teaching kids to be honest is vital to them developing into trustworthy adults and their ability to form close relationships.
Talk to your child about how lying diminishes yours and others’ ability to trust your child. Explain how it can impact your child’s relationships. Then, if you catch your kid in a lie, explain how their future freedom and privileges are dependent on how well you can trust them.
Also, to build your kid’s trust in you, practice being open and nonjudgmental. This will go a long way toward your child’s openness with you.
Media overload. With the overwhelming variety of media available to kids, it’s hard to know where to draw the line. Visit healthychildren.org for tips on parenting around media and developing healthy media habits.
To gain cooperation, invite your child to help you establish media use rules. List the various forms of media used by your child, including TV, video games, computer, and cell phone. Establish a total number of minutes per day your kid can use media. Then ask your child to help you break down how much of that time can be spent on specific forms. Also, discuss the measures you’ll take if rules are violated.
As always, try to set a good example with your media usage too!
Chore wars. As your child grows, so should their responsibilities. In the elementary years, kids can pick up their rooms, set and clear off the table, sort their laundry, fold laundry, put away their clean clothes, bring in the mail, rake leaves, and dust, among other simple tasks.
So have your child choose a small number of simple chores. As they grow, increase the amount or level of difficulty. To gain cooperation, set a regular schedule for each task, and offer daily or weekly rewards—like prizes or earned time—or an allowance.
Homework hassles. This is a routine challenge for many parents. So hold a meeting at the beginning of the school year with your child to discuss homework. Explain you’re going to set some rules. Then give them a couple of choices to increase cooperation. One option might be 30 minutes of free time or media time after school before having to begin homework. Another option could be to do chores and free time right after school. Then homework will start immediately following dinner. But avoid saving homework until late in the evening.
Also, find a distraction-free location in your home that is always for homework. Then require your kids to put their phones on the charger, away from the area when doing homework.
Name-calling and teasing. Sometimes when kids call each other names, they’re just playing. If they’re going back and forth at each other, both laughing and having a good time, it probably isn’t a big deal. As long as it’s play, balanced, and no one’s feelings are getting hurt, you can let it go.
However, if it’s one-sided, mean-spirited, or the child on the receiving end seems angry, upset, scared, or hurt, it’s usually best to intervene. First, try to empower the teased child, and encourage them to tell the other to stop. If necessary, take a more direct approach, and make clear to the child doing the teasing how hurtful the behavior is and that it isn’t acceptable.
The birds and the bees. The question of where babies come from, and discussions of puberty can leave even the most open-minded parents fumbling. So, prepare in advance for the inevitable discussions so you can answer questions in the best way possible and without showing discomfort. Your comfort is essential to making your kid feel comfortable and will lead to more openness from your child as they mature.
During the early elementary years, read age-appropriate books that discuss the topic to your child. This takes the guesswork out of what to say and how to say it. If you’re looking for recommendations, just ask your local librarian!
In the later elementary years, discuss more completely. On average, puberty can begin around 8 or 9. So make sure your kids are fully prepared for the changes that’ll take place. By late elementary, some kids are already talking about it among each other and are full of misinformation. So having this discussion is crucial to ensure your child is accurately informed.
Defiance. As kids grow, they become more independent—and with independence comes defiance. To deal with defiance, lay out the rules ahead of time, so you and your kids know the consequences.
When your child is defiant, remember the following. Consistency is crucial to being effective. Also, don’t argue. Explaining is okay, but arguing isn’t effective. If your child tries to debate you after you’ve already laid everything out, calmly say you’ve already made up your mind, and you’re done discussing it.
These tips should help you navigate the tricky times ahead!