We’ve all seen an older sibling hug the baby a little too hard. We’ve witnessed weary parents’ unsuccessful attempts to referee yet another round of “They stole my toy.”
Many parents want to avoid these scenarios when they become pregnant for the second time. Instead, they wanted sweet, movie-moment bonding between siblings, like shared giggles, secret handshakes, and a built-in best friend for life.
So they read the books. They enroll in sibling prep classes. And once they became a family of four, they practice what they think is fairness, hoping that these strategies encourage sibling harmony. Wondering what methods matter?
Experts confirm that parents can significantly impact sibling relationships. Here are eight tips to encourage harmony between siblings.
Understand Human Nature
An Oakland University survey found that 35% of adult siblings have a hostile or apathetic relationship. Scientists believe this rivalry has an evolutionary component. Children may compete over parents’ time and attention because humans are hard-wired to protect essential resources.
Fortunately, nature proves that living things must cooperate to survive. This is clear when baby lions snuggle for warmth and practice hunting skills against one another. Smart parents boost collaboration and discourage competition because the strongest families function as a cohesive team. One person’s success benefits everyone, while conflict weakens the family.
Avoid Perceptions of Favoritism
Although parents may vow to treat children the same, each child is different. An effective approach for one child may be a disaster for another. Unfortunately, children can mistake these adjustments for preference or favoritism.
To avoid misunderstandings, highlight each child’s value by honoring what makes them unique. Don’t deny your children’s differences—celebrate them.
Model Early Conflict Resolution
Routine sibling conflict is healthy. Dr. Laura Markam, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life, says, “The sibling relationship is where the rough edges of our early self-centeredness are smoothed off, and where we learn to manage our most difficult emotions.”
These benefits make it tempting to allow children to negotiate for themselves, but they rarely have the skills needed for conflict resolution. Show kids that loving families do not solve problems in physical ways. Nor do they belittle one another. Instead, they listen, negotiate, and compromise.
Intervene When Negotiations Fail
Children who understand expectations can become effective negotiators over time. Still, parents should intervene when one child hurts another. Be careful not to model the behavior you wish to discourage by making accusations.
Instead, use descriptions like, “I see two angry children who need a break.” Then separate the kids until things cool down and discuss how to improve the next time.
Limit Labels
Experts caution that children may internalize negative phrases. For example, a child chastised for being a “bully” may assume that they will always be the aggressor. To counter this, parents might use a creative spin during an intervention. Instead of labeling a child’s behavior as mean-spirited, tell them you know they’re kind.
If a sibling complains, “Sam never shares and is selfish,” your response might be, “Try asking Sam differently since we both know Sam can be generous.”
Build Your Children’s Self-Esteem
Most children will feel like the least favorite at some point. So why do some kids shrug off perceived slights while others develop severe sibling rivalry? Often, it comes down to how a child feels about both themselves and their place in the world.
Children who feel competent and valued are less likely to engage in or create conflict. A child with high self-worth can brush off perceived favoritism. Never forego an opportunity to boost each child’s self-esteem.
Believe That Your Efforts Make A Difference
Some days, it’s admittedly tempting to just concede that sibling rivalry is a reality that every parent will face, throw up your hands, and consider accepting that, at least for right now, your kids just don’t get along.
It’s important to remember that your actions (and reactions) have a long-lasting impact. Adele Faber, author of Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, reassures, “Parents can make a difference. Our attitude and words have power. We can lead rivals toward peace.”
Know That You’re Making A Long-Term Investment
No one else shares your history like a sibling. No one else understands the events that shaped who you are. Siblings “serve as witnesses to what occurred and provide vital links to the past,” says Linda Sonna, Ph.D., and the author of The Everything Parents’ Guide to Raising Siblings: Tips to Eliminate Rivalry, Avoid Favoritism, and Keep the Peace.
Facilitating loving sibling relationships is a long-term investment. While a parental relationship may last for 30–50 years, the sibling bond can span 80. It’s easier to prioritize this relationship when you realize that the toddlers bickering today may be the elderly who share each other’s triumphs and burdens tomorrow.
A Relationship Worth Fighting For
When parents make it a priority to guide these relationships with empathy, intention, and grace, they’re giving their children more than just a peaceful household. They’re offering a lifelong ally, a memory-keeper, and a confidant.
So yes, refereeing the arguments, balancing attention, and speaking carefully is hard work, but the reward is a bond that could outlast you. That’s something worth fighting for—not just about.