One of the most important life lessons I’ve learned came from the writer Toni Morrison in an old interview I watched. Morrison described how when a child enters the room and looks at their parents, what they are searching for is to see if their faces are lighting up. Are their eyes sparkling? Do the grown-ups in the room care if they are there?
So often, parents are preoccupied with their cell phones, spending too much time checking their texts and emails, worrying about the next event they have to attend, or their next deadline. When they do pause to notice their child, it may be to focus on imperfections—maybe they tuck in their child’s shirt or fix their child’s hair. While this can be harmless, the message the child receives may be that they are not good enough.
I heard the interview with Toni Morrison when my children were babies, and I have always tried my best to allow my eyes to sparkle whenever they walk into a room. There are times, however, when I still must consciously stop myself from “fixing them,” focusing instead on just allowing my face to light up as I take in their incredible presences.
Over the years, I have expanded this concept, applying it to not only what children crave but what everybody craves. Whether it is the cashier at the grocery store, our colleagues at work, or our partner greeting us at the end of a long day, we all long to know that we are seen, appreciated, and that we matter.
Psychotherapist and blog writer Katherine Schafler expanded upon this topic by stating there are four questions that we are unconsciously asking each other all the time. The four questions are:
- Do you see me?
- Do you care that I am here?
- Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?
- Can I tell that I am special to you by the way that you look at me?
Although these questions are often unconscious, when the answer is yes, we feel appreciated and loved.
One of the reasons that dogs are so universally loved is because they answer these four questions consistently with a giant “yes!” Dogs are creatures that live in the present moment, and are happy whenever we are in that moment with them. Dogs do not hold grudges that their walks were too short the previous day. They are not living in the future worrying about what they will eat tomorrow. Dogs live in the here and now. Humans often fail in this arena. And what that looks like for us is disconnection.
In my practice, I hear people expressing dissatisfaction and feeling isolated. They say:
- “He didn’t even look up from his computer when I walked into the room.”
- “She’s standing right in front of me, but it’s like she’s looking past me.”
- “He was so obsessed watching the game that he didn’t even notice I was there.”
- “While we were out to dinner, she spent the whole night checking her phone.”
How do we change this?
We take an extra second to look at the other person. We allow our eyes to sparkle as we smile. We truly connect. Connection is not based on the amount of time we spend with someone, but the quality of our presence. Being present does not require meditation, deep breaths, or any mantra. It is simply a decision. “Okay, I am going to be present now. I will smile with my eyes and listen to what the other person is saying. I will do my best to communicate that I am happy the other person is here.” This does not need to be communicated in words; it can be shown non-verbally on your face, in your touch, with your eyes, and with the quality of your presence.
Tips for Parents on How to be Present for Your Children
- Plan a 10 minute “check-in time” after they come home from school to ask them about the events of their day.
- Remember to follow up and ask them about things that were important to them, “Did you and Jessie ever make-up after your argument?” “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” “How did that Biology quiz go?” “Did your soccer coach make you run as many laps today?” Questions that are specific about their concerns show that you really listen to their problems and care about the outcome.
- If you are driving them home from after-school activities, use the time in the car as an opportunity to listen to them. Ask your child if they want to be in charge of the music in the car so they can show you the songs they care about.
- When you are sitting at the dinner table ask each person about the highs and lows of their day.
- Sometimes kids say things that are negative or untrue in some way. Instead of negating their reality, ask them to tell you more about why they feel that way. Listen to what they are saying and share your feelings about what you heard. If your child tells you they are the worst on the basketball team, it is easy to go into damage control mode and tell them otherwise. Instead, ask why they feel that way and listen to their perspective. Being there for your child involves listening—sometimes without jumping in to the rescue. Later, you can help them reframe their experience, but first, it is important to listen attentively without interrupting.
- Another good place to have meaningful conversations with your child is outside in nature. Ask your child if they want to go with you to walk the dog. Even those ten-minute walks around the neighborhood, or out by the creek at sunset can be meaningful. You are on neutral ground; not in the house or at school and your child’s guard may be down.